We hereby pledge as a family to boycott those businesses that do not offer adequate health care, including Wal-Mart (unless we’ve built a new screen porch and have just discovered that the so-called “Bar Harbor wicker” sold in antique stores costs a thousand dollars for a single settee. Then and only then will we take a look at Wal-Mart’s weather-proof wicker and consider the $269 five-piece set which includes a settee, two chairs, four cushions, and a coffee table, despite our strong reservations aesthetically and ethically).

Nor will we shop at businesses that violate child-labor laws, e.g. Nike (unless soccer camp is starting tomorrow and cleats are required and we happen to have a child with feet that are impossible to fit given that they are literally two different sizes. But that is all we will buy there—unless, while there, somebody falls in love with a “cool” warm-up jacket a week before his tenth birthday and the stores are all sold out of the Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon that he really wanted).

Given its role in America’s obesity epidemic, and the appalling conditions of the meat-packing industry, we will not frequent fast-food establishments like McDonalds (unless they are the only ones that carry Star War toys or we are driving from Ohio to see the grandparents in Maryland and someone has to go to the bathroom really badly and somebody’s husband is craving a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.)

We pledge to give up television (except for Empire on Tuesday nights, which we agree is educational as the children learn about gladiators and we learn about orgies). We feel compelled to keep watching Sponge-bob Squarepants as not watching it would suggest we were boycotting the series because the title character is “gay.” We agree that we can watch major sporting events like the US Open, the World Series, NFL football, college football, March Madness and DEADWOOD.

We will limit computer use to when the boys’ friends are on Runescape and we need to check our-email or order something on-line. (Or somebody feels dizzy and has this weird headache in the right temple and needs to check their symptoms on WebMd to make sure it’s not a brain tumor.)

Given our profound concern about global warming we agree as a family to drive only fuel-efficient vehicles. (Unless there’s a major sale at Toyota and we can get an amazing price on the highly-rated Highlander in the highly-sought-after “bluestone,” in a model that allows you to type in a phone number and have a voice tell you where to turn. But if we cave on the Highlander, which we admit is sort of an SUV, we all agree that our next car will totally be a Prius.)

We will avoid sugar, unless we happen to have a coupon for Ben n’ Jerry’s, which we will use only because they donate 1% of its profits to earth-friendly causes. We will drink only shade-grown coffee unless Starbuck’s is out that day and eat only organic produce unless the strawberries cost as much as a car. We will eat only free-range chicken from small family farms unless the freezer is empty and it’s six o’clock on a Friday night and we’re at Kroger’s anyway. Although we are deeply saddened by the conditions under which that Perdue chicken was raised, it’s dead now and we might as well eat it. We agree to move towards vegetarianism, as a single cow requires 40 acres, but won’t count hot dogs as meat since 10-year olds do love a good hot dog.

We agree to re-examine our mission statement every six months unless we get really, really busy.